The Guinea Gourmet: A Story of Macaroni and Beans

(This was just one, of many stupid ideas I amuse myself with that  I decided to write down.)

                Time again to look for something to watch while you eat at your desk, so you find yourself clicking through a few pages of videos until you come across a cooking show. Seems easy enough to take in while you shovel food into your craw.

                “The Guinea Gourmet,” The title flashed onto the screen before sliding off to the side. We see a small, dingey kitchen with yellow and white tiles on the wall, a decades-old stove, and cabinets that definitely needed to be painted, and a cloth covered table.

                From stage left our host arrives; a stubble-faced, slicked hair man wearing a wife beater and a gold chain around his neck. He lit a cigarette and took a drag from the side of his mouth, leaving it there before pointing at the camera.

                “Ay-yo, Vinnie here, The Guinea Gourmet”, he said, the cigarette never leaving his mouth as he puffed smoke out of the other side at the finish of his statement. “… back at it again with anudda fan-fuggin-tastic dish to chow down on.”

                Vinnie starts pulling things out from off camera; a bag of pasta,  a can of some sort, a garlic clove, a pot, and a bottle of olive oil.

                “Today, I got a nice simple one for yas. So easy even the mamaluke down the block can make it.”

                He grabbed the cigarette from his mouth, flicked the ash on the floor and pointed at the camera again, “This shit right here is good mornin, noon, and night, just like your mother.”

                “This was something passed down from my father, may that rat bastard rest in peace,” Vinnie signed the cross with the smoke, “We call it Pasta Fazool.”

                “… and not “Fah Gee Oh Lee”, he said, with a mocking tone and talking hand motion. “Fazool. FAH. ZOOL. It’s good shit. Lets go over our ingredients, shall we?”
                The cigarette made its way back to his mouth for a quick puff before pointed at the foodstuffs on the table in front of him, “It don’t take much, but what you will need is some salt and pepper, some pasta, take your pick on that, I like the elbows,” he grabbed the bag to show it was, indeed, elbow macaroni.

                “… then we got our protein, “He picked up the can now, turning it to the camera to reveal it was a can of Kidney Beans. “… That’s right. Kidney Beans. Listen, I know the face you just made you sumbitch, but trust me, this is part of the process.

Putting the can down, he grabbed for the last piece, holding up a clove of garlic.

“Now this here is the most important part, as if there was any doubt.  About 4 or 5 cloves of this right here should do if you’re just feedin’ yourself, you lonely fuck.”, He grinned, probably thinking he said some great comeback to people who weren’t there in the room with him… you hope.

“Alright so let’s get started. First you wanna take a pot, and you wanna fill it with enough water for your macaroni. It’s a 1:2 ratio of macaroni to water for that, so you can do your own fuggin math”

Vinnie took one last drag of the cigarette before putting it out on the counter, then exhaling smoke, blowing it straight up like a skill built up over years of experience, before taking the pot, filling it in the sink with no real indication he measured the water, and placed it on the stove and turning it on.

“Then what you wanna do is cut up your garlic...there is no wrong amount for this except ‘Less’.” He gave a sly grin, again like he’s failing a charisma check, picking up a knife and going to work on that garlic with the focus of a man with a life mission.

“We’re gonna speed this along, watching pots and boiling water and all that,” he said, setting the garlic aside before the video sped up, showing Vinnie dumping the macaroni into the pot as steam rose over it  rapidly, opening the can of beans, rinsing them off in the sink, then just standing there fidgeting at high speed, lighting a cigarette, gunning it down to nothing in a couple of seconds, and then repeating the process.

The video returned to normal speed, with this creature of a man going for the pot, taking it off the stove and pour it right into the sink, where we learn there was a colander the whole time before putting the pot on the table in front of the camera.

“Alright now here comes the complicated part for some of you who can’t even tie yer shoes,” He dumped the macaroni right back into the pot.

                “We’re gonna add the beans, the oil, the salt, the pepper, and of course the garlic right into the pot, and let the heat from the macaroni warm everything up,” Vinnie dumped all the listed ingredients right into the pasta, before grabbing a wooden spoon from the counter and began to stir.

                “Oh yeah listen to that, like your date on prom night,” He held the pot closer to the cameras microphone while he stirred for the ASMR presentation Vinnie is now putting on.

Setting the pot back on the table, he went to the cabinet and pulled out a bowl, before serving himself some, facing it towards the camera showing a mix of plain looking pasta with beans and garlic. “And there you go, it don’t look like much, but neither do you if you’re watching this, but its good. Fuggedabowdit.”

With no pomp or presentation, Vinnie used the same spoon he was stirring with to just start eating from the bowl. “Tune in next time when I show you how I make a sandwich. Change your fuggin’ life. Now get outta here. Mangia.”